● Is your song bland enough for Radio 2? SONGS aiming for the lucrative Radio 2 playlist have to be bland enough to offend no-one while remaining just about memorable. Here’s how to make your ditty dull enough to soar.
● Woman hoping to bounce back from decade of drinking and smoking with sheet mask A 34-YEAR-OLD woman believes she can reverse the damage inflicted by years of fags and booze with a rejuvenating face mask.
● How to cope with the rest of your life when you peaked at secondary school WERE you incredibly popular aged 11-16 but have since become one more drop in humanity’s ocean? Here’s what to do to feel special again.
● Amazon detractors forced to admit that Saudi Royal family is just slightly worse PEOPLE who have been complaining about the evils of Amazon for years have been forced to admit that the Saudi Arabian Royal family might just...
● The six immigration systems Brexiters want BORIS Johnson has promised a points-based immigration after Brexit, but Australia’s got that and they’re still mad racist. Here are a few systems Brexiters would prefer.
● Man consoling female friend after breakup runs out of things to say after 15 seconds A MAN attempting to counsel a female friend after a breakup has run out of platitudes in record time, he has admitted.
● Cold weather to continue while Britain remains island off coast of Europe in winter FORECASTERS have warned that the current cold weather will continue as long as Britain remains an island betweeen continental Europe and the...
● Steak bakes have been vegan for years, laughs Greggs GREGGS have confirmed that there has not been any meat or animal products in their steak bakes since 2005.
● Idiot believes life will be hard for Harry now AN idiot has convinced himself that life will be difficult for the Duke of Sussex from this point on.
● Woman cheating on KeepCup with filthy paper gigolos A WOMAN who left her reusable flask at home has been coming in late from work with brown lips and stinking of pumpkin spiced latte.
● There will never be a ginger Bond, confirm producers PRODUCERS of the James Bond franchise have confirmed that there will never be a ginger Bond for as long as they have any say in the matter.