● How to drink a bottle of brandy and draw tattoos on your arm with a biro EVERYONE is struggling under lockdown, and everyone’s got tips to help. But have you tried downing a bottle of brandy while drawing tattoos on your own...
● Man afraid to touch his door handle will let five teenagers make a pizza for him A MAN who puts his sleeve over his hand to open the front door is still eating pizza made by five teenagers on minimum wage.
● Homeschooled child realises parents are f**king idiots A HOMESCHOOLED child has realised he is both more intelligent and better educated than his clueless cretin parents.
● The four types of freaks who are loving lockdown LOCKDOWN? Thriving on it mate. Meet the four types of weirdo who actually like this.
● F**k off and leave us alone, say old people OLD people have requested bored younger people to please f**k off and leave them alone.
● Britain poised and ready for daytime drinking THE UK has confirmed that if events cause it to need to drink before noon, it is ready to shoulder that burden.
● Days now take f**king weeks THE UK has agreed that days at this point are taking weeks, and weeks are taking entire f**king years.
● Doing the conga, and five other things that are down 100 per cent BEEN at a party and grabbed the hips of the last person in line to join the joyous conga kicking its way past recently? Of course not. And all these things are...
● Hands like sandpaper the sexiest hands RAW, chapped hands are now the only hands Britons can bear to have touch them, they have confirmed.
● Five coronavirus lessons the world will instantly forget when this is over HUMANITY has been reminded of what’s truly important by COVID-19. Here’s five lessons we’ll forget the moment it’s gone.
● Lockdown forcing woman to realise just how bad her diet is A WOMAN is horrified at the sheer amount of crap she eats on a daily basis now she is at stuck at home.
● Well this is fun, say parents PARENTS have confirmed that juggling working from home and educating young children while never going out is just an absolute f**king joy.