● Get your f**king tree up, Britain ordered THE UK has been ordered to get the f**king tree up, get the lights on and get bloody Christmassy.
● How to give up on life without anyone noticing WINTER is the perfect time to let yourself go. But how can you do it without too many people noticing? Here’s our guide.
● Seeing pr*cks fall over on ice rink best Winter Wonderland attraction SEEING smug people fall flat on their a*se on an ice rink is the highlight of ‘Winter Wonderlands', it has been agreed.
● Watching someone correctly load dishwasher is biggest turn-on ever WATCHING your partner load the dishwasher in the correct way is the sexiest thing ever, it has been confirmed.
● Are you in the queue for the f*cking cashpoint or not? WE'VE seen you many times. A*sing about vaguely on the pavement near a cashpoint machine, all of a sudden wondering why people are glowering at you.
● Man on date prolonging goodbye in the hope of a snog A MAN was hoping he might get a kiss if he prolonged parting company after a date, although the moment had definitely passed.
● Entire office poised to quit once Christmas bonus is paid THE entire workforce of an office is poised to resign the second their Christmas bonus is paid, it has emerged.
● Selfish a*sehole has December birthday A MAN born in December has been labelled a “selfish a*sehole” by friends, who are forced to celebrate his birthday at the busiest time of year.
● Five questions that need answering about James Bond WITH the 25th James Bond film on the way, certain awkward questions about the long-running franchise really need answering. Here they are.
● Six reasons to thank f**k for Princess Anne THE ROYAL family has gone to sh*t but the Princess Royal, in a single nonchalant shrug, has proved the best of them all. Here’s why.
● How working-class are your Christmas decorations? THERE’S a fine line between decorating your home tastefully for the festive season and outing yourself as a tasteless pleb. Our guide tells you what is acceptable.
● Woman quits job after getting boss in Secret Santa A WOMAN has decided it is easier to walk out of her job than to buy a Secret Santa present for her boss.
● Trump understanding as much of Nato summit as a dog would DONALD Trump is sitting uncomprehending through the Nato summit looking up eagerly whenever he hears his own name, aides have confirmed.
● Are you an illiterate twat? ACCORDING to Stanley Johnson, most Britons lack the literacy to spell ‘Pinocchio’. Do you mangle the English language and earn the prime minister’s dad’s contempt?
● How to blame a bloke who left nine years ago for you being crap at your job, by Boris Johnson HELLO. You’ve probably noticed, over the last nine years, how pretty much everything has gone wrong. The funny thing is, absolutely...