● Office twat has three months of twattishness saved up A MAN hated by all his colleagues has returned to work with 14 weeks of f**king annoying behaviour stored up.
● Gyms, swimming pools and other fetid death traps to reopen this month THE government has given the all-clear for enclosed spaces in which people grunt, thrash around and spray body fluids to open again this month.
● England considering selling Scotland to balance the books ENGLAND is considering selling off its most valuable possession to help pay for the impending economic crisis, it has emerged.
● Seemingly perfect boyfriend watches Question of Sport A BOYFRIEND who appeared to be perfect in every way enjoys watching A Question of Sport, it has emerged.
● Six predictions of how lockdown would change everything that were total bollocks BACK in April, everyone and his wife opined about how lockdown would change Britain forever according to their tastes. But it was bollocks. Here...
● Couple buying £500k house really need that 15 grand from Rishi Sunak A COUPLE about to spend half a million pounds on a house say life would be impossible without their gift of £15,000 from Rishi Sunak.
● Is your relationship completely mental? ARE you worried that your relationship is abnormally weird and chaotic? Take our test and find out if you need to split up immediately.
● Pizza delivery man quits after ten years without shagging one single customer A PIZZA delivery man has finally quit his job after not having sex with a single customer during his decade-long career.
● The working-class guide to middle-class people YOU’VE been forced to interact with one of the middle-classes. But who are they? What do they want? Was that thing they said meant to be funny?
● New dating app matches couples based on correct grammar usage A NEW dating app matches couples entirely based on correct grammar usage in written communications.
● Six slang terms only the middle-aged understand ARE your kids baffled by your use of retro argot from the 1980s? Want to connect with your peer group while keeping the young in the dark?