● How to move on from ordering the wrong thing in a restaurant IT’S happened. In the pressure of the moment in a restaurant you panicked and made the wrong choice. Here’s how to accept it and move on.
● No return to the 70s, says man who bought house for £20,000 in 1973 A MAN has warned against any return to the decade from which he benefited enormously.
● Win a date with Priti Patel WOULD you like to win a date with the UK’s popular home secretary Priti Patel? Enter our unique competition for charity by answering these Priti-related questions.
● Six deeply odd things that were normal if you were an 80s kid MIDDLE-AGED? Do you sometimes notice that life is less weird than when you were growing up? What happened to these things?
● In the face of a global health emergency we have a twat in charge, Britain realises THE UK is slowly waking up to the fact that, in the face of an oncoming world catastrophe, it has chosen to put a d*ckhead in charge.
● Passive-aggressive email phrases to make your colleagues hate you EVER included the phrase ‘as per my previous email’ to suggest the person you’re writing to is as thick as mince?
● Chlorinated chicken insists it just likes being clean CHLORINATED chicken has protested at its demonising by the UK media, insisting there is no shame in being clean.
● The right and wrong times to get your cock out TORY MP James Grundy has apologised for exposing his penis in the Ram’s Head pub in Lowton in 2007, but when is the right time to whip out the chinos cobra?
● How to survive a pandemic according to TV and films THE coronavirus pandemic is imminent, but anyone who’s seen any movie or TV show about surviving deadly infections will be fine.
● Hollywood all cleaned up after the only man who did this stuff convicted HOLLYWOOD has pronounced itself free of all abuses of power after the only man who ever abused his power was jailed.
● Five post-Brexit pancake toppings BLUE passports are back, we’re a sovereign nation again and it’s time to celebrate a patriotic post-Brexit pancake day with British toppings.
● Woman improves morning routine by adding line of coke A WOMAN has made her mornings more streamlined and productive by snorting a fat line off the mirror.